Pre-Wedding Traditions from Islamic Perspective

Abstract

Marriage is one of the most emphasized practices of the Messengers of Allah (S.W.T). Islam has laid a solid foundation as well as ethics for choosing a spouse or life partner, with a view of having a successful family and society at large. This paper examines the concept of Pre-Wedding Activities from Islamic Perspective. It consists of the Supplication (Istikhara) by the spouses, looking at the proposed spouse, consultation by the parties involved, the proposal/Consent of the spouse, Marriage/Wedding contract, the wedding feast (Walima) and the Rights of the spouses. The paper also examines some of the pre-wedding challenges in our contemporary society as well as Islamic view on them.

Keywords:Pre-Wedding, Istikhara, Marriage, Walima,

INTRODUCTION

Marriage is one of the most emphasized practices of the Messengers of Allah (S.W.T). It is an institution of great benefit to individual as well as society in general.

Prior to the advent of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W), there was no guiding principle on marriage activities. An Arab man of Jahiliyyah era can marry as many as he wishes to, because women were regarded as object that could be bought and sold. But with the advent of Islam, marriage activities took shape and steps whereby the Glorious Qur’an eradicates all traditional as well as evil practices that were against the basic tenet of Islam and redefined it in such a way that both the individual and society at large could have a peaceful co-existence, love, affection, mercy and a comfortable happy family life in general. (Safiyyurrahman, 2009).

Therefore, marriage literally means a conjunction or uniting. Technically, is defined as a civil contract between the two parties, which is husband and wife with the aim of rendering sexual relations. (Al-Jaza’iry, 2002). It is also a mutual contract between a man and a woman whose goal is for each to enjoy the other to establish a pious family and produce a sound society that could be a better place to live. (Ayagi, 2017).

Marriage is a Prophetic tradition as well as a religious duty and social necessity for a better society.

Anas bn Malik [R.A] reported: A group of three men came to the house of the wives of the Prophet (SAW) asking how he worshipped Allah, and when they were informed about that, they considered there worship insufficient and said: “Where we are from the Prophet (SAW) as his past and future sins were forgiven.” Then one of them said: I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever”. The other one said: I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast. The third said: I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever. When the Prophet (SAW) was informed, he came to them and said: “Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he, who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me. (Zein-eddine, 2009).

In another tradition, the Prophet (S.A.W) said:

“Marriage is my tradition whosoever keeps away from it, is not from among me” (Ibn Majah).

Based on the above tradition, we can now understand that, Marriage is one of the most emphasized practices of the Messengers of Allah (SWT). Scholars unanimously agree on the point that marriage is commendable and has manifold virtues. Some of the virtues and benefits of marriage includes:

Procreation: Marriage serves as a means of multiplying the population as indicated in the Glorious Qur’an:

“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife (Eve), and from them both He created many men and women; and fear Allah, through Whom you demand (your mutual rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinships). Surely, Allah is Ever an All-Watcher over you” (Qur’an 4:1)

Protection of desires: one of the aim and objective of marriage is to protect chastity and moral excellent. Islam strictly denounces pre-marital sexual enjoyment. Allah (S.W.T) created both men and women with sexual desires, for them to be protected they should engage in marriage. Allah says:

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect”. (Qur’an 30:21)

The Prophet (S.A.W) said:

“O young people! Whoever among you is opportune to marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power”. (Bukhari).

Furthermore, psychological comfort, protection of progeny, being blessed by a prayer of a righteous child, warding against satanic temptations are also part of the benefit or virtues of marriage. (Ayagi, 2017).

By marriage, man gets all his household activities properly cared for whereby he enjoys ample time for seeking knowledge and works, a good wife will be there to help her husband. In marriage man trains himself on responsibility and guardianship, meeting his household needs and bearing their bad behavior if any, and exerting utmost efforts to reform them. Getting married, man duplicates his efforts to seek his livelihood and care for bringing up his children. (Wa’il, 2001).

Based on the above, the Prophet (S.A.W) said:

“Spending a Dinar in the cause of Allah, in setting a slave free, as a charity and another one on your family, the last is the best of all” (Muslim).

Pre-wedding activities from Islamic perspective.

It is a process or art of developing a close relationship with a person of the opposite sex with the idea of marrying. It is also consider as the activities between the period of acceptance of marriage proposal and the solemnization of marriage. It is all the Halal activities that prospective couples are engaged in that assist them in deciding on whether or not to get married. (Lemu, 2017).

Therefore, while trying to understand one another, the prospective couple may engage in some approved gestures and activities or practices such as exchanging gifts, pleasantries and sharing letters or words of love within the confines of the Shari’ah.

Some of the Pre-Weeding Activities from Islamic Perspective are;

1. Performing Istikharah: the Prophet (SAW) recommends that whenever a Muslim sets to carry out permissible thing, he/she should perform two units of voluntary Prayer and supplicates with the supplication of Istikharah. Therefore, it is recommended for those who want to marry as part of the activities in choosing their partners to seek Allah’s guidance to be able to make a rightful choice. (Hambal, 2001).
2. Consultation/Seeking Advice: In addition to Istikharah, it is recommended to make a consultation before final decision in marriage and any other matters in life. Secondly, it is also recommended for the representative of both parties to investigate the intended partners by making sure that he/she has the required good attributes. (Najla’a, 2007).
3. Looking at the Proposed/Prospective Spouse: if some is considering proposing to a woman, it is permissible for to look at her before he proposes to her. Based on the above, the Prophet (SAW) said: “if one of you proposes to a woman and if he is able to look at a part of her that motivate him to marry her, let him do so” (Ibn Majah). Secondly, Al-Mugheerah Ibn Shu’bah said: “I came to the Prophet (SAW) and mention to him a woman that I had proposed to. He said, go and look at her as this is more likely to produce affection between two of you.’’’ (Abdul-Azeem, 2007).

Therefore, if someone wants to get married, he should consider the following qualities;

a- She should be a religious woman.
b- She should be virgin, except in some certain cases.
c- She should be fertile/child-bearing.
d- She should belong to a righteous and well respected family.
e- She should be satisfactorily beautiful in order to fortify her husband.
f- She should be well-disposed. (Wa’il, 2002, p80-81).

In addition to the above, the following are expected for a woman to consider as part of man’s qualities;

a- He should be religious and
b- Man of a good character. (Abdul-Azeem, 2007, p369).

4. Seeking the Spouse’s consent: with regard to this, Islam gives a right of choice to a virgin woman. It is not allowed to compel her to marry someone she does not likes, she rather has the absolute right to choose her partner.
5. Interaction and conversation between the couples: the shari’ah allows the potential couple to meet and converse on important issues that will guide their decisions to contract marriage under regulations stipulated by Islamic law. (NATAIS, 2017, p.194).
6. Proposal: it is the promise for marriage given to a woman through the means that are well known among the people. If both parties agreed, then it is not permissible to make a marriage proposal against that of his brother. It is also not permissible to propose a woman who is experiencing a revocable divorce. (Abdul-Azeem, 2007, p.371).

The Marriage Contract:

Marriage is the legal union of man and a woman coming together as husband and wife through which human communities are produced.

There are two essential components to the marriage contract:

a- Offer and
b- Acceptance.

In addition, there are some conditions that must be met in order for the contract to be effective and sound.

- The permission of the guardian
- A Mandatory Gift (Dowry).
- The Presence of the Witnesses.
- Marriage Formula.
- Prospective Spouses should be alive. (Abdul-Azeem, 2007, p. 372-373).

Wedding Feast (Waleemah).

Waleemah is offered by the new husband, and is an act of virtue as well as a display of appreciation towards the new wife and her family. Its status has been emphasized by the Prophet (SAW) as a time of happiness and a time to show additional thanks towards Allah. One must have a wedding feast after the consummation of the marriage.

The following points must also keep in mind:

i. The wedding feast should be for three days after consummation.
ii. The righteous people should be invited to it whether they are poor or rich.
iii. A sheep or more, if one has the means should be offered as a meal. (Abdul-Azeem, 2007, p. 382-387).

The Rights of the Spouses:

Islam considers a family to be a structure that is built the union of two people. The most responsible person is the husband. Allah said:

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend [to support them] from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient [to Allah and to their husbands], and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard…” (Qur’an 4:34)

Islam has given each spouse rights upon their partners. By fulfilling these rights, this structure will become secure and will continue. Islam has exhorted each of the partners to fulfill their responsibilities. It also encourages one to overlook temporary shortcomings that may occur receiving one’s rights.

The Rights of the Woman upon the Husband:

- To treat her in a good and proper manner.

“… And live with them honorably…” (Qur’an 4:19)

- Be patient and overlook some of her mistakes if it does not contradict Islam.

- Admonish her if she violates her marital duties.

- Protect and guard her from anything that may damage her reputation and honor.

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women…” (Qur’an 4:34)

- To teach her what she needs to know of her religion and permits her to attend the session of learning.

“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire [Hell] whose fuel is men and stones…” (Qur’an 66:6)

- To order her to abide by the religion of Allah and regular prayers.

“And enjoin the prayer on your family, and be patient in offering them…” (Qur’an 20:132).

- Not to spread about her private matters and mention her shortcomings.

- To seek her advice in matters, especially concerning her and her children.

- To return home immediately after finishing Night prayer, not to stay till late hours of the night.

- To treat co-wives if any, in a just and equitable manner. ((Jamall al-Din, 2007).

The Right of the Husband upon the Wife:

- To obey and respect her husband.

- She should guard his honor. She should also looks after his wealth, children and other household affairs.

“… Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient [to Allah and to their husband], and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard” (Qur’an 4:34).

- To beautify herself for him and to have a pleasant smile on her face, instead of frowning and appearing in manners that he dislikes.

- To remain in her matrimonial home except with his permission to out.

“And stay in your houses…” (Qur’an 33:33).

- She should not allow anyone into his house except by his permission.

- Not to perform voluntary fasts when he is present at home, except with his permission.

- To be satisfied with the little and content with what they possess and not to overburden the husband by spending beyond his means.

“Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant ease after hardship.” (Qur’an 65:7)

- To supplicates to her children not using harsh or abusing words on them.

- To treat her husband’s parents and relatives well.

- Not to deny his call whenever he desires her.

- To keep his affairs and that of household privately.

- To stay with him not asking for divorce without any due reason.

Some of the contemporary Marriage challenges.

It is the greatest mercy of Allah, the creator of all, that He has blessed us with Islam as a way of life. Islam does not simply demand us to pray or to be obedient to Allah alone, but it inculcates in us that we conduct our day to day life as prescribed by the Glorious Qur’an and the way shown by the messenger of Allah, Muhammad (SAW). Our Islamic culture is rich, colorful and also virtuous. We need to draw upon it for the enrichment of our lives. Those fortunate ones amongst us who conduct their lives according to Islamic teachings reap the benefits of success in this life and in the eternal life to come.

However, we openly and unashamedly violate every command of Allah. Instead of seeking the mercies and blessings of Allah (SWT), we invite His wrath. Not only the two respective families of the bride and the groom satisfied in breaking every rule of the shari'ah, but they amass hundreds if not thousands of people to partake in wrong actions and multiply the sins into millions. Almost every aspect of the marriage ceremony today in our community is alien to Islam, based on western tradition copied from other communities or from TV and advertisements.

Pre-Wedding Pictures, Engagement and Honeymoon.

Pre-wedding pictures have become a tradition for the modern-day prospective couples. The pictures are taken prior to the wedding ceremony and are been spread to public on social media and alike. The way pictures are snap by the duo who are not yet married is contrary to the teachings of Islam. Almost, most of the pictures are romancing, hugging one another and some or most part of her body is being exposed and as such they post them on social media. (Shehu, 2020).

From engagement to honeymoon and everything in between Arab nights, cocktail party, picnic party, the hiring of a wedding car, the arrival party for the bride, the blessing of the groom, the wedding and engagement rings, the wedding dress, the crown, the wedding cake, the exhibiting of the bride and the groom to the public, the photographic sessions, the return of the bride to her parents after a fortnight and many more are all customs derived from un-Islamic cultures. (Muhammad, 2019).

As for the Muslims, especially some ignorant youths have amassed such traditions in their weddings. One of the dangers has been that, over time, rituals taken up for mere fun have become integrated into our wedding occasions as important, or compulsory elements and even raised to the status of being fardh, without which a wedding ceremony is thought to be incomplete. The cake has become an important ingredient of many weddings therefore making possible a whole series of events. Without it, an essential wedding photograph, the cutting and the distribution of the cake afterwards would all fall away. Whatever other rites and formalities may be omitted in the celebration of a marriage; the cutting of the cake is the least likely. The wedding cake itself is a 'monumental cake', a symbol rather than a delicacy, a tradition handed down from one generation to the next, whose origins are traced to the western cultures. (Muhammad, 2019).

As the importance of these alien events is raised, they are repeated in subsequent weddings and the rituals become a custom. It is these customs, which has no basis in shari`ah, introduced by the western world that some of the ignorant Muslim youths become westernized. The custom of having an engagement party; engagement cards; distribution of sweets, cakes, drinks or any other silly arrangement is incorrect. The meeting, touching, seeing, and acting like a couple of the prospective spouses with each other, before marriage, without nikah, is Haram, even after engagement. Until they do perform the nikah, they are like strangers and are not permissible for each other.

Some Muslims youths do abuse the injunction of organizing ceremonies by allowing or creating room for both sexes who are prohibited in marriage bond to meet and chat freely and even dance together. Others believe that it is civilization and promotion of gender equality.

Similarly, the western wedding has been a fashioned by many Muslim youths as the modern type of wedding, and they believe that marriages are not complete without the western type of wedding. So, they combined the western and the Islamic weddings together. Accordingly, before the influence of the western culture, picnic, cocktail parties and dinner parties by some of the Muslim youths were unknown. No parent will allow his/her son or daughter to get out during night hours. But today, the situation has greatly changed due to the permissive nature of western culture. It is now a common sight to see night parties organized in wedding ceremonies either by the groom or the bride family where both parents are in attendance in such occasions. The main aim is to bring male and females together by creating forum for night association with the opposite sexes. When males and females come together in this way without the guiding eyes of their parents a lot of unlawful things can be done. (Muhammad, 2019).

Conclusion

The main purpose and objectives of Islamic law is the protection of progeny or generation. Islam as the only acceptable religion in the side of Allah (S.W.T) lays down good ways of life and a standard of living for the entire world. Strict adherence to Islam brings development, pleasant in all spheres of human life; it attracts reward and good ending.

Therefore, we need to follow the footstep of our noble and respectful Prophet, Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W), his companions and the pious predecessors in our wedding as well as day to day activities. This is because the lifestyles and characters of Prophet (S.A.W) serve as an excellent conduct worth emulation. Based on this Allah (S.W.T) says:

“Certainly you have in the Messenger of Allah an excellent exemplar for him who hopes in Allah and the latter Day and remembers Allah much” (Qur’an 33:21)

Recommendations

i. Imparting Islamic education to children before attaining the age of maturity.
ii. Parents should be watchful to those interacting with their children. Because in most cases, friends influence can change their characters easily.
iii. Preventing children from watching indecent films and stations right from their childhood.
iv. Application to Islamic injunctions by those in power and authority.
v. Government should close all places and centers where evils and social vices are taken place.
vi. Islamic scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets. It has become mandatory upon them to discharge their duties as scholars by explaining the real teachings of Islam from its original source.
vii. It is natural that whenever, there is a ceremony of any kind male and females do come together to show their kind gesture to the host, but it should be noted that both sexes should not intermingle freely in the name of celebration. Going by the above recommendations, to have a modest marriage contract and establishing a legally, morally upright, well structured and effective matrimonial home, there is need to have a well organized pre-Wedding activities from Islamic perspective.

References

Abdul-Azeem, B. (2007), The Concise Presentation of the Fiqh of the Sunnah and the Noble Book: International Islamic Publishing House, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

Ahmad, H. ( 2001), Musnad Mu’assasat ar-Risala Printing and publishing, 1st ed. Vol.23. Lebanon.

Aliyu, A. R. (2017), Arabic and Islamic Studies; Solutions to Global Recession: 35th National Conference of Nigeria Association of Teachers of Arabic and Islamic Studies (NTAIS), Conference Proceedings, Lagos, Nigeria.

Al-Jaza’iry, A. (2002), Minhaj al-Muslim, Al-Qahira, Dar Ibn Al-Haisam.

Ayagi, M.I. (2017), Introduction to Islamic Personal Law: Nikah and Talaq for N.C.E. Undergraduate and Postgraduate Students, Abubakar Publishers, Kano.

Lemu, M. N. (2017) Da’wah Institute of Nigeria, Islamic Education Trust, Minna, Niger State. Personal Online Interview. 6th December, 2017.

Muhammad, A. (2019), The Socio-cultural Effects of Westernization Among the Northern Muslim Youths: A Thesis Submitted to the Department of Islamic Studies, Al-Wefaq International University, Niamey, Republic of Niger.

Najla’a H. (2007), Al-Manhaj an-Nabawi fi Muqabalatil Khatib, Jam’un wa Dirasah wa Takhrij.” Al-Adal Journal. 39. (1429H): 64. Print.

Safiyyurrahman, A. (2009), Al-Rahiq Al-Makhtoum, Darul Wafa’ Jami’ Riyatu Misr Al-Arabiyyah, 20th Edition.

Wa’il, S. (2002), Translation of Mukhtasar Minhaj Al-Qasidin of Ibn Qudamah Al-Maqsisi, Dar Al-Manarah Publishing and Distribution, El-Mansoura, Egypt.

Zein-eddine, Ahmad (2009) “A Concise Volume of Al’Bukhari’s Correct Traditions.” Dar Al Kotob Al-ilmiyah, Lebanon.

[...]