This is a summary of Deborah Tannen's "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships", which was published in 1986. It deals with the language in conversations which can cause misunderstandings due to differing interpretations. Tannen divides her work into ten short chapters which fall under the ambit of four more general topics: Linguistic and Conversational Style, Conversational Strategies, Talking at Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships and What You Can and Can’t Do with Conversational Style.
Table of Contents
1. Linguistic and Conversational Style
2. How conversational styles work
3. Signals and devices in conversation
4. Indirectness
5. Framing
6. Power and solidarity
7. Talking at Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships
8. Talk between men and women in an intimate relationship
9. Criticism
10. What You Can and Can’t Do with Conversational Style
Objectives and Topics
This work summarizes Deborah Tannen’s 1986 book, examining how differing conversational styles and interpretations can lead to misunderstandings in personal and social relationships. The primary objective is to highlight the importance of "metamessages"—the meaning conveyed not by words alone, but by the style, pacing, and context of our speech.
- The impact of conversational signals (pace, loudness, intonation) on communication.
- The tension between involvement and independence in social interaction.
- Gender-based differences in communication styles and relationship expectations.
- The role of indirectness, framing, and power dynamics in daily discourse.
- Strategies for navigating intimate relationships and addressing criticism effectively.
Excerpt from the Book
Framing
Framing, topic of chapter five, is the way of showing how we mean things we say or, reversed, the way of interpreting what others say. A frame is something we normally do not speak about; i.e. we do not ask others how we are supposed to understand them or we do not tell them how to interpret our words. If we do so, it is likely that we risk that they take it as a challenge or criticism. The term that is referring to the relationship of the frame is called Footing. Discussing the frame, that is, stating the situation, can sometimes help to show injustice. Communicating with a metamessage is very likely to change the frame too as you show your involvement.
Summary of Chapters
1. Linguistic and Conversational Style: This chapter introduces the core concept that conversation problems often stem from differing communication styles rather than character flaws, emphasizing the role of metalanguage.
2. How conversational styles work: It explores the balance between involvement and independence, introducing the technical term "politeness" and explaining how metamessages influence personal relationships.
3. Signals and devices in conversation: This section details how pacing, pausing, loudness, and pitch function as conversational signals that are often misinterpreted based on individual standards.
4. Indirectness: This chapter discusses how indirectness is used to avoid confrontation, emphasize free will, and foster a sense of shared understanding or kindness.
5. Framing: It examines how we interpret the meaning behind words through "frames" and the concept of "footing" in interpersonal communication.
6. Power and solidarity: This chapter analyzes how gender differences and social dynamics influence the use of power and the pursuit of solidarity in communication.
7. Talking at Home: Conversational Style in Close Relationships: It addresses why understanding in relationships often declines over time, leading to the process of "complementary schismogenesis."
8. Talk between men and women in an intimate relationship: This section contrasts how men and women process communication and expectations, often leading to divergent interpretations of metamessages.
9. Criticism: This chapter explores the complexities of criticism in relationships, noting that it can be perceived as an attack on individuality even when intended to create solidarity.
10. What You Can and Can’t Do with Conversational Style: The final chapter offers practical advice on adjusting one's conversational style to improve communication and avoid destructive cycles.
Keywords
Conversational Style, Metamessages, Linguistics, Politeness, Indirectness, Framing, Footing, Power and Solidarity, Complementary Schismogenesis, Intimate Relationships, Gender Differences, Communication Signals, Criticism, Social Interaction, Metalanguage
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the central focus of the work?
The work primarily focuses on how different conversational styles and the interpretation of metamessages influence the success or failure of human relationships.
What are the key thematic areas covered?
The themes include linguistic signals, the struggle between involvement and independence, gender differences in speech, the use of indirectness, and the dynamics of power and solidarity.
What is the primary objective of the text?
The objective is to explain that communication breakdowns are often not caused by character issues, but by mismatched conversational styles and cultural interpretations.
Which scientific methodology is the summary based on?
The summary is based on a structured linguistic analysis of Deborah Tannen’s study on conversational strategies and interpersonal communication.
What does the main body of the work cover?
The main body breaks down communication into ten chapters, covering specific strategies like framing, indirectness, and how these elements manifest in close, intimate relationships.
Which keywords characterize the work?
Key terms include Conversational Style, Metamessages, Framing, Complementary Schismogenesis, and Power and Solidarity.
What is "complementary schismogenesis" as described in the text?
It is a process where two partners take increasingly extreme forms of their own behavior in an attempt to solve problems, which paradoxically creates a greater rift between them.
Why is "framing" considered important in communication?
Framing is important because it dictates how we understand the intention behind an utterance, though it is usually an unconscious process that can lead to conflict if misinterpreted.
How does the author define the role of "metamessages"?
Metamessages are the underlying meaning transmitted not by the explicit words used, but by the "how" of the communication—the tone, context, and implied relationship status.
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- Delia Ostach (Autor:in), 2015, Summary of "That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen, München, GRIN Verlag, https://www.grin.com/document/388618